If the moment is there and you are expecting your first child, then it is nice to keep this story under your nose. Because maybe you don’t know it yet, but from experience we can say that quite a lot has changed as a pregnant woman. And every phase has its challenges. Pass it on to your husband, friend, brother or any man …
The 13 most important things to remember as a man near a pregnant woman:
1. Give her enough food continuously
Everyone knows that eating is important for pregnant women. But what the uninitiated may not know is that the timing is important. Bottom line: if she says she’s hungry, she means it. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your face. Know that “I’m hungry” doesn’t mean she’s looking forward to dinner in an hour. It means that you have to give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant.
If you fail and don’t give her something straight away, it can result in extreme bitchiness in the best case, or injuries in the worst. Change yourself for nine months in a running, talking food machine and there is nothing wrong.
2. Food: What is yours is hers, and what is hers is what you keep away from
There is a good chance that you have been together for a few years, so you know everything about sharing things in life. After all, you share your life with each other. And although that still applies, this does not apply to food. If you eat her food (or your food that she has somehow claimed), she will do something to you. Maybe not physically, but once it’s done, it’s your turn. I had eaten the chocolate once. When she found out during a hunger attack, she became extremely angry. That was one of the scariest things I have ever seen. Just stay away from the food.
“Whatever her comfort food is, one of the side effects is that YOU arrive”
3. You will arrive
Have you noticed that all the text above is about food? That is not a mistake. Eventually every pregnant woman or a certain point gets mega cravings. When my wife was pregnant with the first, she only wanted pizza, Kit Kat and grapefruit. The second time it was just fruit salad. But whatever her comfort food is, one of the side effects is that YOU arrive. Yes, the men also arrive. This is mainly because we participate in our partner’s food kicks and all that junk food also counts with us. I gained 12 kilos during pregnancy five years ago, a shadow of what she arrived (WITH the baby)! So pay attention!
4. Don’t say she’s going to be HUGE
I knew that my wife was pregnant and that pregnant women are arriving. That’s why I really thought there was nothing wrong with saying that my wife had such a cute swollen belly. In my mind this was just nature as it should be, and that there is nothing better. But something broke after the first two or three times. “STOP SAYING THAT I AM THICK! I KNOW I AM THICK! YOU DON’T NEED TO SAY! ”It didn’t matter that in my eyes she had never looked so beautiful, or that it was THE GOAL that she arrived. Which brings me to the next point.
5. Mamnesia (or ‘pregnancy brain’) is real
I know, it sounds like a term coined by the media. But that’s not it. Pregnancy dementia is real. It starts with small things, for example, that she looks for her glasses on top of her head, which is still cute. But in no time things happen like she left the basement door open while it freezes and now the floor is freezing everywhere in the house. And how ironic, I once asked my wife if she could give me more examples of pregnancy dementia, but she couldn’t. She simply couldn’t remember.
6. Goodbye, sense of humor
The good news is: she is having a baby. The bad news? There was not enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor. If you are quite a witty person like me, then this will cause problems. Unfortunately my pregnant wife no longer finds my unique view of humor funny now that she carries our little parasite around her belly. The result is that I am firing a great joke (in my view) that is not only aimed at deaf ears. No, there’s a good chance you’ll fire them at murderous ears. You have been warned.
“Unfortunately there was not enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor”
7. Say goodbye to sex
Listen carefully to me, you will soon be sexually frustrated. The first trimester is by far the worst. That is the period that she goes through most of the changes and feels the craziest. The only thing she can do is try to prevent her having to vomit every morning, so it doesn’t matter that you don’t feel loved. So turn on the porn and give yourself a hand, because from now on you are a camel or sex area, my friend. The only bright spot is that you will have sex twice during pregnancy. You have a period of one to two weeks in the beginning of the second trimester in which her appetite is back. Enjoy it, because it’s not going to happen until late in the pregnancy. At the very end, she desperately wants the baby to come out, that she uses you in the hope that she will gogave birth . Yes, that sounds awkward, but after the drought it’s relief – as long as her water doesn’t really break.
8. Yes, her breasts are larger. No, you can’t sit on it all the time
If we are talking about sex anyway, let me tell you about the most cruel trick of mother nature. If a woman carries a child, that is a wonderful thing. That maternity glow that you always hear about is real, and it works wonders for her hair, her nails and … her breasts. A becomes C, B becomes D and C becomes Hallelujah Thank you, Jesus! They swell to huge proportions, literally until her bra bursts at the seams. The only problem is you can’t touch it. It feels like you are going to a pet store, seeing all sweet puppies behind glass and you are not allowed to pet them. They are cuddly, you want to take them home and keep them forever, but if you try to motor her puppies, you will most likely have a blow. Believe me.
9. Your penis cannot hurt the baby
Okay, let’s get rid of this right away. Your penis has no effect on the baby in your wife’s belly. Clearly? I don’t care if you are Ron Jeremy’s size, your penis won’t scare your child or poke his forehead. There is nothing daunting but a conversation for sex over your penis and with your wife’s hysterical laughter. I was told …
“Your dick really isn’t going to poke your child’s forehead”
10. You will be replaced by pillows
Have you spent a ridiculous amount of money on a mattress? Such a kind of foam case with several toppers which gives you the idea that every evening 1000 little angels massage you when you fall asleep? Well, I hope you have also spent money on a comfortable couch, because you will certainly spend a few nights there during pregnancy. And that is not because your wife needs more room for the baby. It’s the pillows. Yep, that’s right.
You become increasingly irrelevant during pregnancy. The 37 pillows – including the stupid big ones – are vital for your wife’s night’s sleep. And once she starts playing, there’s a good chance you can get on the couch.
11. Don’t treat her like she’s sugar
Many men, including myself, feel very responsible and protective towards their wives. But once a baby grows in her, it becomes protective ten times as bad. I try to spare her and not let her open doors, carry groceries, lift heavy objects and so on. It’s not that I think she can’t take care of herself, it just feels like it’s more important than ever that I have to keep her safe. And that she lifts as few heavy things as possible. Exactly the moment when I hear: “I AM NOT SUGAR, STOP TREATING ME TO ME AS PRINCESS!” .
12. A pregnant woman is lazy
This point is VERY sensitive. Despite everything, they do carry new life. Her body grows, stretches and changes for that life. But the fact remains: a pregnant woman is LUI. To say something, I came across some very disturbing facts in my Daddy Files during the second pregnancy. She had not only stopped doing the dishes, but she also stopped even trying to put the dirty dishes in the sink. Instead, she brings it to the kitchen and puts it on the table. Even worse: all coffee cups are half full and each dish contains half dried out yogurt cake with cruesli. I don’t mind doing the dishes, but I do mind a kitchen full of junk. How hard is it to empty your plate and put it ONE METER FURTHER in the sink? But you can’t say anything about this, because …
13. You cannot complain
All the things I mentioned above? You cannot discuss one with your pregnant wife. Because even if she is lazy, she doesn’t want to sleep with you, you can’t sit on her breasts, can’t remember anything, she sleeps with the pillow people, she lets you sleep on the couch, arrives a lot and eats everything she sees, it does not matter. She is pregnant. She carries your child. Which means that she has the trump card and so all your complains no longer matter. Seriously, think about your complaints and how she is likely to respond to them. Something like ‘De Afwas’? You complain about washing dishes? A watermelon the size of a watermelon grows in my belly and eventually has to come out through a lemon-sized opening. NOU, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN FOR WHAT YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT ?!