Forget all the lessons about being honest, expressing your feelings, and getting your husband to talk about his feelings. Research shows that the male brain goes into inactive as soon as there is a discussion (oh, did you notice?)
A book has been circulating in the US for a number of years now, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It . I hadn’t noticed anything in the jungle of How to books, and it sounds a bit like a book devised by a group of married men who, during a night out of the nasty plan, took a book to market to silence women once and for all.
But admit, if it would really be possible to boom without hours and hours, to get closer to each other, to be more intimate and happier, would we not sign for that?
You improve your relationship with these insights and how to’s.
1. Talking does not help
Talking sometimes makes things worse than they are. For women it is often therapeutic, but it makes men uncomfortable. According to experts, men get more blood supply in their muscles and they become restless. If there is a conflict, women need to talk, men want to retire. Men quickly feel embarrassed when they do not comply with something, which means that talking about relationship problems feels like sleeping on a bed of nails.
2. Making contact helps
Before we make contact with words, it is important to first get a non-verbal connection with each other. This can be done in various ways: through touch, sex, doing things together. The deepest forms of intimacy arise when you are not talking. Instead of trying to get closer to each other by talking, it is better to let words arise from connection and intimacy. The shame-fear principle is of great importance here.
Imagine (that’s called mentalizing with a nice word) that your husband always takes the initiative in bed, but never knows whether he will be rejected or not. For many, this realization is a real eye-opener.
#1 Telescope vision
Well, because men and women do not have the same feelings and needs, the solution lies in a so-called ‘telescope vision’. Both partners must make an effort to really get involved in the other and to understand other people’s views.
#2 Only one is needed
Only one person is needed to make a real connection. By touching someone, taking the first step in understanding and by doing something sweet, the partner will automatically feel the impact and will also respond more positively and lovingly.
#3 Stop annoying you with futilities
If you consider that your relationship improves on all points (yes, even talking) if you stop being openly annoyed with futilities, think carefully before you accuse your husband of having the toothpaste not roll back. Or just watch football on Wednesday evening and therefore do not listen to your worries.
#4 Be selflessly kind to him
By regularly going outside the agreed household rules, you can easily show your husband that you are there for him and feel affection. Maybe he always puts the garbage outside, walks the dog or fills up the cars.
By breaking these agreements and saying: ‘Honey, just stay fifteen minutes, then I’ll let the dog out’ you surprise him with something small, with a big effect. And do you remember that earlier , in the beginning of your relationship, for children and bustle, you wrote loving notes for him or lipstick with a message left on the mirror. Start again and you will see: What goes around, comes around .